Thursday, March 31, 2005

Why don't people do what they say?

WHY AM I STILL IN SAN DIEGO?

WHY AM I NOT IN CHICAGO YET AND MY GRANDMA'S FUNERAL IS SATURDAY?

WHY AM I NOT ON THE PLANE THAT LEFT 30 MINUTES AGO?

WHY AM I SOOOO FU*@ING IRRATATED RIGHT NOW!!!

Why? I will tell you why....I have a cousin who helped my grandma out a lot....she helped her take care of her bidness(yeah I said bidness) when she and my grandfather moved into the nursing home......

I explained to her that I didn't have $500 to fly home on short notice...She said she would get me a ticket cause she had some of my grandma's money and she would put the the ticket on her credit card....

Well we went on line and found the tickets agreed on the flight and I was all ready to go...no phone call yet!!! We made plans yesterday mid-morning.....still nothing!!

Why is it that I could not get a phone call or an e-mail? When you say you are doing something....DAM IT....JUST DO IT!

Monday, March 28, 2005

LOSS..............

My Grandma died this weekend....

It hurts sooo bad.....she was really sick and she lived in a nursing home......She lost her only child(my dad) in November....I don't feel bad for her cause she is in a better place!! What sucks is:

I am her only grandaughter and I may not be able to go and say goodbye!

Airlines charge triple for bereavement flights...

I can't just jump on the freeway/expressway and get there......

the flights are way too much................

I need to be in Chicago by Wednesday....my cousins are waiting to have her creamated so I can say goodbye.................

I can not afford $500 to get a flight out of San Diego............
my lil brother can not afford to go either...........

my financial situation SUCKS................

I'm too old to not have financial stability.........................

I'm sad...................

It hurts................

Really hurts.................

The only thing keeping me from falling apart is knowing that she knows how much I love her............she wouldn't want me to be sad............

Saturday, March 26, 2005

I'm on the road again......

singing on the road again by Willie Nelson(is it by Willie?).......

Me and my son are headed to my Aunts for the weekend.
I just love road trips......It is so relaxing for me....I love visiting my Aunt. She is the only family I have here in California...My moms only sister...I should see her more but hey, i'm only human....How the hell do I change this font back to the way it was....that's what the hell I get for trying to be all fancy-dancey...LOL!!!

The teenager doesn't want to go and i'm cool with that...He has some "social" event that he has to attend this evening....some birthday dinner with some girl who is just a friend.....yeah sure....well if he wants to stay home and miss Easter dinner that is on him.....I will not be transporting no ham accross 4 zip codes....
Well at least that's what I told him...LOL Y'all know I have to bring my baby a big ole man sized plate home...LOL Besides my Auntie would not let me leave without food for the teenager......

Have a great holiday..................

Friday, March 25, 2005

Insomnia re-visited.........

Well I slept til 4 this morning...Whooohoo...that's a major improvement. I was so tired yesterday after work. I went out Wednesday night and had a few gimlets with my friends, laughed at random folks tearing up songs( I mean that with the most respect..lol) this all resulted in me having a little trouble getting through the workday yesterday!!! Hey everybody has their own definition of a FEW drinks.........The only thing that saved my ass yesterday was I got off at noon cause the kids had dentist appointments at one......

After the dentist we ran a few errands.....why do we call bill paying running errands? Shit I went and paid some bills and took the boys to lunch. When I got home around four I C.R.A.S.H.E.D. I slept til 8....Dam it felt good!!! Got up made sure the offspring had fed themselves, drank a glass of juice and a handful of my sons popcorn.....and went back to sleep......Opened one eye up very slow hoping the clock didn't say 3 and much to my delight it said 4!!! Yeah!!

I'm glad today is Friday.............Easter has creeped up on a sistah so since i'm so dam prepared...NOT! I'm going to make the drive up to my aunt's house for a well prepared Easter feast!!! The only thing i'm sad about is that there will be no leftover ham for me to consume all next week..............DAM!!!

Have a great Easter and a great weekend!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I need a full order of energy with a side of pep!!!

I am soooo dam tired theese past three weeks!!!!

I am an early riser....always have been...I am always up around 5 even on the weekends. I like to get up and get my shit done so I have the rest of the day to myself to do as I please. During the work week I get up at 5, iron my scrubs, make myself lunch and bitch and yell at the boys and we are out the door before 6:30.This has been my routine all my adult life...Even if I go out and do the "grown-up" I may sleep til 7ish....

I am always in bed by or before 10....unless I have company or I am out being grown. All my friends know not to call me after 9:30 or so cause they know i'm asleep..

The past few weeks my sleep pattern has changed.I'm asleep right after dinner between 7:30 no later than 8:30. At first I thought maybe i'm just a lil depressed about breaking up with ex-sweetie.....but then I thought naaahh....I don't usually sleep when i'm depressed...I EAT!! O.k so I go to bed hella early and then I wake up hella early.............WHAT THE HELL!!! I've been up every morning at 3 freakin a.m. every dam day!!!!

So the pattern just continues....by the time I prepare a little nourishment for the kids....check homework and clean the kitchen.....I'm dead tired..............So last night I tried to fight it....I cleaned the kitchen after dinner....blog surfed a little.......cleaned some more.....dusted.....yadda....yadda.....made up shit to clean and guess what? Still was slee before 9!!! Woke up at exactly 3a.m. ont the freakin dot!!!

I NEED THE SANDMAN TO PAY ME A LIL VISIT!!
OR SOME SERIOUS DRUGS.............legal ones.....

For all you smart asses that are saying "Dee you just need some excercise" I know I need to get out and run/walk but i'm waiting on the time change so it's light earlier......I don't want to come up missing while getting my "cardio" on.........LOL

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Random acts of kindness.........

One way to brighten my day is to show a random act of kindness!! Even the smallest gesture can make the person on the receiving end smile so bright!!! Making someone smile, always makes my day!!!

Monday, March 21, 2005

Sometimes in April...........

This is a continuation of yesterday's post. I watched sometimes in April this weekend. I am still a little sad and upset that I did not know anything about this terrible tragedy that took place in Rwanda in '94. I went to work and asked a few people at work today if they knew about it and they all said "NO"....then I called my lil brother and he of course knew all about it. hmmph...he always was a smart ass....his reply was "sister dear you must keep up with YOUR worldly events"..smart ass!

How can over a million Africans be murdered an we not know about it? It saddens me that we (America) didn't get involved at all......Why we are ALWAYS in everybodies business all other times throughout history.......oh yeah I know why the government didn't give a dam....there was no oil, diamonds or any other monetary gain.....hmmmph sad very sad..........

What did I learn from this? I now know that I can not depend on the media to give me what I need to know.....I don't watch the news very often because it always depresses me....but the Rwandan genocide didn't get hardly any t.v time............I do read the local newspaper, not daily but I always read the Sunday paper.........1 million Africans murdered...I didn't read about it.

This has been bothering me ALL weekend and most of the day today......

I know I am boring you all but DAM!!! I'm still pissed..........I'm going to google it and read some more....................

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Sometimes in April...Ignorant me in March.....

Last night I watched sometimes in April last night....It was a great movie! How come I did not know about this tragig event? I was not in a comma in 1994......I had a t.v and electricity...geesh, am I the only one that missed this......I will admit I usually hate watching the news cause it's sad and sort of depressing...But how did I miss the Rwandan genocide? Over a million Africans killed and I missed it.......I searched and searched my memory banks and hhmmmphh...no memory!!

Where was the media? Where was the Military? I feel so ignorant...i'm going back to read some more.........................

Saturday, March 19, 2005

childhood battles........

Thinking all night about my youngest son and the boys that took his money.......This got me to thinking about my childhood.

I am the oldest of two. I have a younger brother. He is 2 years younger...I am sooo protective of him....still to this day he is a grown ass man!!!

We grew up in the projects in Chicago...My mom was very young when she had us both (a teenager). She moved around a lot.....men and relationships were her weakness...we moved a lot. Five grade schools....three middle schools.......etc...etc....It was nothing for us to come home from school and she would have our clothes packed and everything in the house SOLD!!

So we were always the new kids on the block! That sucked...guess what? Kids are sooooo mean....I had to fight....kids bullied my brother all the time cause he was passive.....he was quiet..It was my job to protect him. I had to fight to let the kids know that I was not afraid...I even had a fight with a girl in my 3rd grade class cause my mom was messin around with her dad.......yes they lived a few doors down from us. Sad for an eight year old girl to have to try and defend grown ups actions...It's sad that she knew about her dad and my mom....My mom is a whole long post that may come later.....
I fought a lot...not because I wanted to but I felt I had to.....I never ever started the fights!My brother didn't have his 1st fight until he was 13.......cause if anyone messed with him I was all over them like stink on shit!!!

Kids can be mean and cruel....do I regret having to fight so much as a kid....naahh!! I can truly say though I am sooo grateful that my boys didn't have to grow up the same way I did...They have both had a few little scuffles over the years but nothing like I had....I'm not sure if it's because my boys are growing up in a different environment or because i've raised differently...maybe a combination of both......

I'm glad that my baby was trusting enough that he knew to go to an adult rather than fight over $2.00, cause I would have fought over a whole lot less at his age.........

Friday, March 18, 2005

y'all know I fight kids.........

I just found out that some kids have been picking on my baby on the way to school!!! And hold on here's the clincher.....they have taken his mony from him on a few occaisions!!!! What the HELL!!! I am sooooo mad right now!!! The only problem is he confided in someone (his fav. teacher) and she promised she would not tell me......I want him to be able to trust people and know how important it is to keep your word.....all theese lessons are important for him to learn but dam.....My job is to protect my baby from bad ass kids too!! The teacher assured me that she and the dean would take care of it.......so i'm going to let them handle it cause if I have to handle it....well you know i'm old school....I go talk to the parents!! "Dee how do you find out where the kids live?" I follow their bad asses home while letting them know to leave my baby alone......and hopefully they have moms that are responsible for their kids actions.....they are raising the kids with values and morals and most of all their moms don't dare try and get NASTY!!!! I have been a mom for 17 years now and I have only had to get UGLY with other moms about 5 times in the last 17 years....thankfully....

Today begins spring break for the boys so we have 2 weeks to let thoose bad ass theivng ass heethins marinate on the lecture the dean gave.....

They don't want to deal with me!!! I fight kids!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Does it really need a title?

mmmkay....I had soo much shit to talk about today but I could not narrow it down to one single topic.....

My mind is going in several directions......

The teenager is stressing me cause he REALLY wants a job but even fast food is not hiring....
"son this is why you M.U.S.T. go to college....you see all thoose adults working fries at McDonalds?"

The boss lady after the umpteenth fiasco of a staff meeting yesterday is blaming herself for the bitches with major attitude that whined and complained through the WHOLE meeting yesterday!
"Boss lady, theese are not your fuckin kids....you can't change their work values...you can't teach theese GROWN ASS BEEYATCHES responsibility and ACCOUNTABILITY!!! If the don't have work ethics by now......"

I have not told most of my friends about me kickin my "sweetie" to the curb....
"I know you have already heard about the break up from one of our other close friends and they just want all the help from the WHOLE crew to be sure that Dee doesn't S.N.A.P and tear some shit up!"

The kids dad is coming any day now to visit the boys....he called the day he left Iraq and said he was going to be in Germany for a day or two and he didn't know when he would arrive in San Diego......
"negro....please don't play fuckin games...you just want to creep up on me like a NINJA!!! You don't know you are dealing with a Samurai....while you are trying to sneak up and catch me off guard.....i'm already two no ten steps ahead of ya!"

I have no energy...at all......I have been going back to the gym err freakin day since the March 1st.....
"I know i'm in need of major excercise...hell i'm tired when I get home...cooking and cleaning and checkin homework.......dam all my clothes still fit.....shit i'm not that big...........

Whew....this is great...I got it all off my chest and daaammmm....I feel brand new!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

where are peoples work ethics?

Today we had our monthly staff metting. It kills me how the same people who bitch moan and complain are the ones who take the most breaks....call in the most.......SMOKE..etc..etc.....are the ones who are always behind in their work!! They always complain...complain... whine and complain...but others with the same work load, seem to get their shit done!!!

The same cry baby ass heffas complain meeting after meeting but don't seek employment elsewhere!!! If you don't like your job, leave.......simple!

The bitch that did all the crying about how "over worked" she is takes 2 gazillion smoke breaks daily....leaves early on days when we have no Dr.'s in clinic...you get the picture...
after todays bitch fest......one of her Dr.s brought a stack of thins into my office and said "my medical assistant said she has been too busy to finish this stuff it's been sitting on my desk since feb." What I heard was:The sorry ass assistant I work with is a lazy ass slacker!!! She takes too many breaks and just doesn't cut it!!! Now mind you I share a tiny ass office with boss lady...who sat there the whole time saying nadda.....THIS BITCH NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN UP!!! I never ever tell boss lady how to do her job but if she don't tell that heffa something tomorrow I might snap cuz guess who got to handle that big ass stack of work? ME!!! Ms fix IT!!! Then to top it off....the bitch had the nerve to come into my office and say"Dee I will take that stuff" I wanted to tell her to go straight to hell with gasoline draws...but I held my tongue...DAM I'M REALLY GROWING UP!!
Whew.....I feel better now...thanks for letting me vent.......

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Life teaches you things.........part 2

I promise todays post will not be as long........

mmmkay. Now I know that I need to forgive my ex before I can move on!! Period point blank...But where do I begin? I thought about this all day yesterday. Do I write a letter?Do I e-mail him? Do I wait until he comes here to visit the boys? He will be leaving Iraq soon and before he goes back to Italy(where he is stationed) he will come here to see the boys for a week or so.

It has been five years since I found out about his affair and child and I used it each and everytime we fought about any and everything. It was my weapon...but now I realize that the only person I was hurting was myself. I was just keeping the pain going when I needed to just let it go!!!

So today i'm letting it go!! I can't hold on to past hurt forever!! I gotta let go of that baggage cause i'm sick and tired of holding on to it...it's been poisoning my spirt long enough!!!

I begin forgiving him today.............

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Life teaches you things.........

So the reason I wanted to blog is because in reading about other peoples lives, I didn't feel so alone! I felt better after reading posts that I could relate to. That's why I gravitate towards blogs of people who have things in common with me. My age group(30 sumthin)...with children....single parent.....divorced...yadda yadda. I try and find something I can relate to. I read other peopls blogs for about 6 months before I decided to give it a shot. I thought if reading about other peoples shit made me feel this good well posting my own shit has to feel even better......

So here it goes....................i'll try not to be too long and drawn out I do want someone at least one person to read......LOL

I was married for umpteen years (yeah I said umpteen) to the boys dad... I was basically a single mom cause he was always gone due to the military. I found out about 6 years ago that he had cheated on me and got a girl on his ship pregnant. ooohhs and ahhhs from the crowd.. He hid the whole pregnancy and 1 1/2 of this childs life from me.....yes I found out when the baby was 15 months old..........Long story short right about the time his cover was blown he was up for new orders. For non military peeps...orders are when you get a new job assignment. This usually means you have to relocate but not always. Antywho He was up for new orders and he decided to take orders back home....He had always known that I never wanted to live anywhere near home,(mainly because of his family but that's another post) but he accepted theese orders anyway... So I told him he would be going SOLO!! Because:
1: he knew I never wanted to go home
I had told him in the past I would go to Japan even but no where near home!
2: he accepted theese orders without including me in the decision!
all the years prior we always decided together..he always asked me my opinion.
3. he knew how I felt strongly about giving the boys stability
I moved around a lot as a kid and I didn't want that for my boys! okay there are thoose of you that say: "well why did you marry a military man?" Well smart asses...we had lived in the same area for 7 years and 5 years before that...there were PLENTY of choices to make that would keep us here...

Whew!! This is gonna take longer than I planned.....let me go warm up my coffee!!

mmmkay where was I trying to go? Oh so I find out about the baby...bits and pieces of the story..He never really gives me all I need to know so now it's time to move back to the mid-west and I have decided I AM NOT GOING!!!! ooohh the horror....."you are gonna stay in California without a husband?" Hell I've been here alone all theese years anyway...when he was gone for six months here nine months there three months here!! You get the picture..Plus I thought that the time apart would do me some good. I would be able to decide if our marriage was salvageable....you know what I mean....that's a big pill to swallow....you find out your husband cheated and has a almost 2 year old child....I needed time and space....my family still doesn't belive that I didn't KILL HIS ASS!!! That's another post too...hell that's a couple of posts.....His family, my family....our friends......my friends.....how this effects everybody!!! Oh dam!! I got side tracked again...I told you all I get swept away easily...lol...back to the lesson I learned.....
In the begining I took his infidelity PERSONAL! What could I have done different? How could I have been a better wife, mother, lover overall I felt to blame for his cheating.....this went on for about a year after I found out about his child...beating myself up over his mistake until a male friend told me " Dee you can't take it personal! You didn't make him fuck her without a condom! You did a terrific job with the kids...you kept a neat clean house....you always look good! It was his stupid mistake!!!" No one had ever told me that....not my girls...not my family...not him......NO ONE!! So I asked him and he told me what I needed to hear.......he said"DEE IT WAS NOT YOU!!! YOU ARE A GREAT WIFE AND MOM TO THE BOYS" That was a new day for me.....so much weight was lifted from my shoulders...I felt BRAND NEW!!
So after all that....(well I had to give you the history)... the lessons I learned:

1. Everything happens just the way it is supposed too! IT'S IN GODS PLAN!
I found out about the baby right as it was time to move.....sure I was devastated but God wanted me to find out right then and there! He said he was never ever gonna tell me...he said "I was going to take it to my grave".....Nope not on Gods watch.....
2.YOU MUST BE ABLE TO FORGIVE!!!
this is a big one for me........
I have not forgiven him yet......IT HAS BEEN OVER FIVE YEARS AND I AM STILL BITTER....I still hold on to the pain...I still cry sometimes it still hurts...not as bad as it used to, but it still hurts....but I have not forgiven him.....
OKAY YOU ALL STAY WITH ME NOW CAUSE HERE COMES THE BIG ONE! Here I am hurting again.....
Now I may loose some of you but damit...this is my own personal realization!!!
Maybe just maybe God is trying to teach me FORGIVENESS!!! OOOOHHH AAAHHH BELLS RINGING HARPS PLAYING........MAYBE THE LESSON GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH ME IS FORGIVENESS!!! Don't get it twisted...I am not trying to forgive the negro that broke my heart a week ago just yet....the wound is still fresh...HE LIED TO ME FOR TWO YEARS....I NEED MORE THAN A WEEK!!!

I CAN NOT MOVE FOWARD WITH ALL THE PAIN I'M HOLDING ON TO FROM THE PAST!!!!!!

DAM I FEEL GOOD!!! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT MY BLOG FRIENDS!!
Sorry it took me sooooo freaking long to get to that point but this is my therapy and my blog right?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Today is a new day!!!!!!

I'm still feeling a little sad.....I have decided that every time I start to feel down, I will remind myself of all that is good in my life.......Yesterday I got a great yearly review!!!No raise though...booo...but boss lady reminded me of the $4.57 hourly raise I got last year!! lol Probably the best since I've been here!!! Go girl!!! My baby turned 17 yesterday.....He is awesome...my strength...even though he got my car impounded on Monday night and almost didn't make it to see his birthday....LOL..My friends have been e-mailing, text messaging, blowing up my cell and work phone with support.....and my "new blog crew" you all have been great too!! Life is good!!!
In everything there is a lesson to be learned......And I am the student in the front of the class waving my hand in the air saying "ooohhh pick me...ooohh pick me"

Monday, March 07, 2005

heartbreak sucks.....

well I got my heart broken this weekend.....I found out that my sweetie of the past two years, is a liar. I'm trying to focus on the positive. He came into my life when I was feeling really bad about my marriage ending....he taught me a lot about myself...he made me smile....but in the end...HE IS A LIAR AND NOT WORTHY OF ALL I HAVE TO OFFER!!!
So I decided to write about what makes me happy!!! Here goes:

1. my boys..they are awesome...all day yesterday while in bed crying my eyes out, they were constantly trying to cheer me up!
2. my girlfriends...non stop calls asking if i'm o.k asking if we need to do a drive by etc..etc LOL
3. a good book....I luv a good book
4. bubble baths....I always feel "brand-new after one
5. a nice clean house
6. music
7. a nice cold beer
8.fresh cut flowers on my table...anything from roses to daiseys
9. new shoes
10. a new purse
11. brand new bed sheets
12. new underclothes
13. a phone call from my Grandma
14. a call from a friend I haven't heard from in a while
15. chocolate
16. icecream
17.a few hours of quiet early in the morning before the kids wake up
18. a few hours alone at home
19. laughter....good from the bottom of your stomach laughter....
20. a good chick flic
21. meeting new friends
22. finding old friends
23. being in lust.......
24. being in love......
25. knowing that I will be o.k and this too shall pass!!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

rob peter to pay paul......

Are you all familiar with the saying "Rob Peter to pay Paul"? Well that's what I have been doing all my adult life....I remember my Grandma and Mom saying this all the time when I was growing up. I have been doing this all the time...all my adult life...let me explain:This is similar to living paycheck to paycheck I guess. This means every payday I try and pay all my bills but this is not always possible......Yesterdays brake fiasco set me back.....so what I had to do is take the money from my rent money..rent is due by the 5th...my next payday is wednesday the 9th...so I paid to get the car fixed and I will just pay my rent on the 9th...late so this means that I will have to pay $85 late fee...guess what? thats what I have to do....I couldn't ride around "brakeless" til next week....shit the boys were afraid everytime we came to a stop light or sign.....lol...my 2 husbands.....antyways.....am I the only one who lives this way....what is past due? What is about to be turned off? Am I the only one? Please.... please tell me its not just me? I don't have any credit cards.....just the basics......I make decent money, more than my momma did...and she did o.k........

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Mechanics are devils!!!!

Got damit......my brakes started making a god awful noise on Friday....I knew I needed to take action A.S.A.P....well I couldn't do anything Saturday because my younger son has basketball most of the day on Saturday...Sunday no mechanics open!!! Yesterday I took the car to Midas two hours later...........$591 dollars...ooohhh HELL NAW!!! I will just pick it up when I get off....I had boss lady drop me off and pick it up....I screeched and grinded all the way home and called a mechanic near my house......had a co-worker pick me up on her way to work at 7:15 this morning......at 9:00 I get the dreaded call...........$545 what the fuck???? And they named a bunch of different shit.....The only things they mentioned that were alike were the front rotars and pads.......all that other shit....do I really freakin need it....why is the damn labor sooooo much....how bout I head on over to the autozone and buy it my god dam self!!!!
O.K. i'm done venting, ranting and raving.....thanks for letting me.....It's time like theese I really miss having a man......not just dick in my life....but a man........