Saturday, March 12, 2005

Life teaches you things.........

So the reason I wanted to blog is because in reading about other peoples lives, I didn't feel so alone! I felt better after reading posts that I could relate to. That's why I gravitate towards blogs of people who have things in common with me. My age group(30 sumthin)...with children....single parent.....divorced...yadda yadda. I try and find something I can relate to. I read other peopls blogs for about 6 months before I decided to give it a shot. I thought if reading about other peoples shit made me feel this good well posting my own shit has to feel even better......

So here it goes....................i'll try not to be too long and drawn out I do want someone at least one person to read......LOL

I was married for umpteen years (yeah I said umpteen) to the boys dad... I was basically a single mom cause he was always gone due to the military. I found out about 6 years ago that he had cheated on me and got a girl on his ship pregnant. ooohhs and ahhhs from the crowd.. He hid the whole pregnancy and 1 1/2 of this childs life from me.....yes I found out when the baby was 15 months old..........Long story short right about the time his cover was blown he was up for new orders. For non military peeps...orders are when you get a new job assignment. This usually means you have to relocate but not always. Antywho He was up for new orders and he decided to take orders back home....He had always known that I never wanted to live anywhere near home,(mainly because of his family but that's another post) but he accepted theese orders anyway... So I told him he would be going SOLO!! Because:
1: he knew I never wanted to go home
I had told him in the past I would go to Japan even but no where near home!
2: he accepted theese orders without including me in the decision!
all the years prior we always decided together..he always asked me my opinion.
3. he knew how I felt strongly about giving the boys stability
I moved around a lot as a kid and I didn't want that for my boys! okay there are thoose of you that say: "well why did you marry a military man?" Well smart asses...we had lived in the same area for 7 years and 5 years before that...there were PLENTY of choices to make that would keep us here...

Whew!! This is gonna take longer than I planned.....let me go warm up my coffee!!

mmmkay where was I trying to go? Oh so I find out about the baby...bits and pieces of the story..He never really gives me all I need to know so now it's time to move back to the mid-west and I have decided I AM NOT GOING!!!! ooohh the horror....."you are gonna stay in California without a husband?" Hell I've been here alone all theese years anyway...when he was gone for six months here nine months there three months here!! You get the picture..Plus I thought that the time apart would do me some good. I would be able to decide if our marriage was salvageable....you know what I mean....that's a big pill to swallow....you find out your husband cheated and has a almost 2 year old child....I needed time and space....my family still doesn't belive that I didn't KILL HIS ASS!!! That's another post too...hell that's a couple of posts.....His family, my family....our friends......my friends.....how this effects everybody!!! Oh dam!! I got side tracked again...I told you all I get swept away easily...lol...back to the lesson I learned.....
In the begining I took his infidelity PERSONAL! What could I have done different? How could I have been a better wife, mother, lover overall I felt to blame for his cheating.....this went on for about a year after I found out about his child...beating myself up over his mistake until a male friend told me " Dee you can't take it personal! You didn't make him fuck her without a condom! You did a terrific job with the kids...you kept a neat clean house....you always look good! It was his stupid mistake!!!" No one had ever told me that....not my girls...not my family...not him......NO ONE!! So I asked him and he told me what I needed to hear.......he said"DEE IT WAS NOT YOU!!! YOU ARE A GREAT WIFE AND MOM TO THE BOYS" That was a new day for me.....so much weight was lifted from my shoulders...I felt BRAND NEW!!
So after all that....(well I had to give you the history)... the lessons I learned:

1. Everything happens just the way it is supposed too! IT'S IN GODS PLAN!
I found out about the baby right as it was time to move.....sure I was devastated but God wanted me to find out right then and there! He said he was never ever gonna tell me...he said "I was going to take it to my grave".....Nope not on Gods watch.....
2.YOU MUST BE ABLE TO FORGIVE!!!
this is a big one for me........
I have not forgiven him yet......IT HAS BEEN OVER FIVE YEARS AND I AM STILL BITTER....I still hold on to the pain...I still cry sometimes it still hurts...not as bad as it used to, but it still hurts....but I have not forgiven him.....
OKAY YOU ALL STAY WITH ME NOW CAUSE HERE COMES THE BIG ONE! Here I am hurting again.....
Now I may loose some of you but damit...this is my own personal realization!!!
Maybe just maybe God is trying to teach me FORGIVENESS!!! OOOOHHH AAAHHH BELLS RINGING HARPS PLAYING........MAYBE THE LESSON GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH ME IS FORGIVENESS!!! Don't get it twisted...I am not trying to forgive the negro that broke my heart a week ago just yet....the wound is still fresh...HE LIED TO ME FOR TWO YEARS....I NEED MORE THAN A WEEK!!!

I CAN NOT MOVE FOWARD WITH ALL THE PAIN I'M HOLDING ON TO FROM THE PAST!!!!!!

DAM I FEEL GOOD!!! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT MY BLOG FRIENDS!!
Sorry it took me sooooo freaking long to get to that point but this is my therapy and my blog right?

7 Comments:

Blogger Ms Pigsley said...

Girl, men are DOGS! Use 'em and lose 'em is my motto. Maybe I'll have to share my bottle of xanax with you this weekend. ;-D Hang in there!

9:33 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

ms pigsley: girl i'm afraid of xanax...thoose paitients go crazy when they don't get their refills on time......LOL

4:28 PM  
Blogger YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

With all those back breakers mounting up, you better believe it's hard to forgive. I know what you're going through, except there isn't a "living" baby as proof.

Yes, God meant for you to find out. And you know what? Sometimes, He blots people and things out of our lives, when we don't have the strength (or sense) to do it ourselves.

I also know what it's like to blame yourself for someone else's foolish acts. You can't do that to yourself, sista girl, but you already know that. Just by reading your blogs, I know you are a hellagood person, mother, wife, nurse---salt of the earth type of person. He was being extremely selfish, and look at him now.

He may never tell you, but he KNOWS he messed up his "good thing" (Proverbs 18:22), and will spend the rest of his life with that knowledge.

Now the biggest challenge is forgiving him. Mind you, NOBODY SAID TAKE HIS MONKEY*** BACK! That'll only take place if GOD leads you there.

You gotta move on, and you can't move forward if you keep looking back. Ya don't believe me? Try walking down the hallway while looking back, and see if you don't 'run into' something else, or looking back only 'slowed you down'. :o)

Take care of you. Oh yeah, go stand in the mirror and hug ya self, will ya?

5:00 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

YOUTOLDHARPO: thanks...in just writting that post this morning...I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.... I doubt if we can ever be together again but I need to try and forgive him...I don't even know where to start....

6:22 PM  
Blogger Diva said...

Hey sistah friend! I read this post and thought about something that I posted about ebbs and flows. I can guarantee you this...you will one day look back on all this and say, "Wow! Thank God all that is behind me!" Like you, I believe that there are no accidents and that the people that come into our lives (whether they remain or not) were there for a reason. Good relationships, crappy relationships, brief ones and the ones that last forever...they are ALL meant to teach us something about life and about ourselves. So through those tears (...and if you're like me they start flowin' at bedtime), remember that you are the SHIZNIT, that you have friends and family that love you so much, that the good Lord loves you unconditionally, that you will be even stronger than you are now, and finally you are the BADDEST BITCH on the planet!!! *kisses*
By the way...I ain't mad atcha...it's YOUR blog baby! :-)

9:17 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

Ms. Diva thanks girly....after yesterdays revelation I feel so much better.....

6:42 AM  
Blogger princessdominique said...

Yes, you will be so glad that it didn't work out and what you discover about yourself in the process will be beautiful!!

4:50 PM  

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