Monday, April 18, 2005

When does a friendship need to end? *its a lil long*

How do you know when to end a friendship?

Do you seperate yourself from said person and wait to see what happens?

Do you sit this person down and tell them all the things that bother you about them?

Do you write out a list of all the positive and negative things they bring to your life?

Do you pray about it and talk it over with God?
well duh....of course you talk it over with God....

I'm stuck right now.....I've tried to distance myself somewhat but it's a little hard cause we run in the same "circle". We have quite a few mutual friends. One of my closest bestest friends just moved in right next door to her.

Let's start with the positive:
She is fun to hang out with:
I know I will have fun with her no matter what we do...even just sitting around watching a chick flick.....
she is generous at times:
She realizes that I live paycheck to paycheck and i'm a "single" mom
She makes me laugh:
even when I want to cry.....she can find some humor somewhere...when my baby was in the emergency room last year diagnosed with seizures...she pretended we were lesbians...she was sooo realistic when the nurse came to get me to go up to radiology she said "come on up with me MOMS"
She always braids my hair for FREE:
thoose of you that wear braids know how "pricey" they can be....french braids.......individuals....micro braids.....CHAA-CHING$$$$
When i'm down, she always reminds me of my many blessings:
when I cry broke or complain about ANYTHING she replies"Girl you could be me"...."you have a great job/boss"....

THE NEGATIVE:

She talks about EVERYBODY"S business:
I know everybody's business.....she tells shit she probably no she shouldn't.....
I usually just try and change the subject.....

She is always putting people down:
This is her family, mutual friends, co-workers
I try and discourage that for the most part.....

The girl I met her through is no longer a friend.....I cut her off about a year ago for various reasons. She constantly talks shit about this chick but is with her FEQUENTLY!!!
This bugs the hell outta me because I don't care if they are friends but just don't call me and tell me how nasty,dirty,what a bad mom she is etc...etc...then call me from her house....
Hey a light bulb just went off.....some of the very reasons I cut the other chick off are some of the same reasons that i'm thinking of terminating our friendship!!! WOW THIS BLOGGING HELPS!!!

she doesn't have custody of her four kids:
this bugs me more than anything else.....to get into why she doesn't have them is a WHOLE LONG POST....without getting into details...her mom has all four of them....has had them for almost 6 years....she RARELY ever visits them.....she doesn't provide for them financially(except for what the state takes for child support)
I could go on and on but I think y'all get my point.

She sometimes makes comments about the thing I buy:
If I say i'm broke she will say "you shouldn't have bought all thoose expensive ass purses" I usually just say"my bills are paid and my kids have what they need and I DON'T SMOKE!! That will shut her up.....

SHE LIVED WITH ME FOR A WHOLE 13 MONTHS AND NEVER PAID ONE DAM BILL:
She works two jobs(child support eats up most of her main paycheck) her 2nd job is part-time and she braids lots of heads.....
Before y'all say "WELL DEE YOU LET HER LIVE WITH YOU FOR FREE"
she moved in with me to save money to buy a car...got the car and had a accident...totaled the car and could work for about 8 weeks.......
When she got back on her feet....I just wanted her to get her shit together cause I was feeling the strain of having to see her shop all the time and get her hair done every week while I was living paycheck to paycheck...
Karma is already taking care of that though cause she is having a really hard time with her roomate now...

I love her don't get me wrong......I just don't like a lot of her ways...is that wrong? Are we supposed to love our friends just the way they are and not try and turn them into "clones" of us?

I really look foward to some help...suggestions










9 Comments:

Blogger SMW said...

Dee,

I think loving your friend has nothing to do with loving the things she does and the decisions she makes. You should seperate the two. If it were me, I'd point out her little annoying ways, one at a time ofcourse, as soon as she does it, and then tell her how it makes you feel.

I tried that with my bestfriend and she doesn't do it anymore. And she's STILL telling me things that I do to get on her nerves but I know as much as I irk her, she's not going anywhere.

It worked! Everyone is gonna annoy you at some point because as we get older we are more judgemental and we think everyone should do things OUR way. So we're looking at each other and going, "ughh. look at that choice she made." when we should really be giving each other space to do what we all want.

I guess all I'm saying is, love her anyway. But still be concious of how she is. If she's doing negative things to other ppl then she is DEFINATELY doing them to you too behind your back. Don't judge her. Enlighten her. Sometimes all we need is a little direction.

Love!

7:39 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

The reasons you love her are really good. The reasons you need to stay away could drive up the blood pressure.

Since I have become "a new regular" on your blog...I have noticed you mentioning her quite often and how heavy this has been on your heart. If it's this strong....maybe you should try distancing yourself from her.

It could be healthy for your spirit.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Looks like her negatives are far outweighing her positives. You can love her as a friend, but you may have to do so from afar because the relationship seems to be taking a toxic turn.

10:19 PM  
Blogger ~Rachael said...

Yeah I would be honest with how you feel about some of things you listed. I would tipy toe around the kids part. I dont have any but I can imagine its a sensetive subject.
I can be kinda picky w/ my friends, i want them to have all same values as I do and that doesnt happen and then situations come up and I get pissed.
But everyone is different. Maybe she is 2 different. But I would try and talk to her first.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

There is no one in this world exactly like you. It all goes back to our backgrounds, how we were raised, the person, and there values. She is your friend because at one point of yall's friendship she was your match. Now you are discovering things about her that bothers you. That's with anyone you come in contact with. There are things that a friend will do that you may never do and you may have a different outlook on. I wouldn't say you need to get rid of her as a friend. I think you need to talk to her and then make a decision. We all fall short sometimes. I just wouldn't let her shorcomings affect me so heavily. Plus I am a frim believer in friendship. But some people come in and out of your life for a season and only you know that.

5:01 AM  
Blogger princessdominique said...

Try talking to her first, if she doesn't get it or defends "bye-bye" life is too short to have to deal with friend drama. I think that we have friends that come into our lives for different reasons. Sometimes we want to hold on to friends forever just because...having her in your life should meet some of your needs--same with a man. If it doesn't it's time for the pink slip. I'd cut her off.

6:39 AM  
Blogger mrs.tj said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:05 AM  
Blogger mrs.tj said...

Ms Dee, You already know what's good. Good folks like us always think about others before we think about ourselves, so sometimes we can not see when people take advantage of us, becuase we are always thinking of others. Reading your blog made me stop and think about some of the girlfriend relationships I have. I know they are poisionous, but I can't help it and I know I can't break up my friendships. One I had to becuase I was going to kill the B*tch in the process of being her friend, that negative heffa. But all of the rest I feel like maybe I am placed in thier life for a reason. To show them that someone (ME) does care about them, and they can love others. But you and I both know that is not going to happen so we just have to follow our hearts. Eventually I will get tired of getting walked on. I know I will, ONE DAY! :)
Holla at ya girl! (I FINALLY POSTED

9:07 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Thanks sooo much ladies....my heart is in deed heavy right now....I have some real thinking to do...
Ms Jazz mentioned my spirit....I can't have her messin with my "spirit"!!

Ms Tee: you're right maybe she needs "enlightenment"

Ms. Nikki..."toxic" that I DON"T NEED

ms.slim...you are right "friendships" are sooo important to me too..

ms. Princess: she is very "defensive" she swears she knows "everything" at 30...even though i'm 6 years older than her..

Mrs T.J she is not "poisionous...just a lil "toxic"

10:39 AM  

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