Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Lessons in being the BIGGER person!!

I found out yesterday that my ex moved up in rank. He told my younger son on Friday. I was out on Friday nite. While we were getting ready for our road trip on Saturday morning, my youngest said "mom dad is a chief now" I said oooh really. He said yeah he called last nite but you were out and James was at work. He said "mom is that good"? I said yeah that's really good!!! He said "are you happy for dad"? I paused for a second...yeah of course i'm happy for your dad. He has worked really hard in the Navy and he deserves it!!!! DAM THAT WAS HARD TO GET OUT!!!! He said "well mom if you are happy for him than so am I" That response floored me!!!!!

BIG FLASHING LIGHT!!!!! My feelings for him totally effect the boys!!!! I mean I never ever talk bad about the sperm donor in front of the boys!!! Shit thats what girlfriends and my blog are for!!!! LOL My mom never talked bad about my dad either. We found out on our own and made our own impressions of my father.

He (my ex) called me yesterday at work. Caught me off gaurd. We have not talked in a few weeks cause he fucked me out of $400 in July which really screwed me up!!! I had to pay my rent late along with a $85 late fee!!!!! I was hot as a firecracker!!!! Antywho he calls me yesterday to ask about back-to-school shopping. I told him Harry is this weekend and James is next weekend. He said cool!! E-mail me or call me and tell me the total and I will deposit my HALF into your account!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAN'T EVER GET MY SHIT UP FRONT!!!! WE'VE BEEN APART FOR 4 YEARS AND SHIT HAS NOT CHANGED!!! HE KNOWS WHAT THEY NEED!!!!

EX: I made cheif

me: good for you!!!

EX: yeah I have my ceremony next month!!

me: i'm really happy for you!!!

EX: really?

me: why wouldn't I be? By the way Grandma, Tee-Tee(my aunt) and uncle John will be in Italy for 3 days next month!!! They want to spend time with you if you don't mind..

EX: they still want to see me?

me: yeah they ask about you all the time!!! They still love you....just cause we are not together doesn't mean shit to my family!!! You are family!!

EX: that's cool shit!!!

me: my family is not like yours!!! They wouldn't CUT YOU OFF!!!!

EX: loooonnnggg pause that's fucked up!!

me: what?

EX: my family...the way they treated you when we seperated....

me: i'm over it!!!!

EX: I miss my family!!!

me: me too!!

EX: I mean you and the boys!!!

me: silence.........I'm sorry

EX: me too!!!

me: I gotta get back to work!!!! (big fat lie)

EX: I understand...let me know what I owe you!!!

me: Thanks I will!!!

Ex: When I get my increase in pay I will be able to help out more!!!!

me: cool......thanks!!

It's hard being the BIGGER person!!! I am still hurt about the things my ex husband did to ruin our marriage, but still I wish him the best cause I know it's the RIGHT thing to do!!! He filed for divorce after finding out I was with the LIAR. We had decided to stay seperated for finacial reasons/obligations until we could both afford lawyers. He found out I was with the LIAR filed in Chicago and I could not afford at the time to fly to court and represent myself....nor could I afford representation at the time!!!! SHIESTY on his part....but hey still no ill will!!! Quite a few times I really needed the extra help from him and he claimed he didn't have it..................still no ill will!!!!



Blogger Kayla said...

I'm the first to post! Yeah! LOL...That's what's up! I know it gets hard, because I've been there with my mother. My father always thought she was talking bad about him to us, but she wasn't. That was just his guilty conscience. We were allowed to see him for who he is through our own eyes. Trust me, honey, when your boys become men, you will be fine! When we're younger, we don't realize some things, and we are clueless to the things that sometimes go on in our parents lives. Once we finally see, though, much respect is given, especially for single parents. You keep doing what you're doing, gurl! By the way, I think you're doing a GREAT job!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Nicky said...

Good for you that you are able to be the bigger person. There are a lot of people out there that just can't do that when it comes to the EX's. Your boys are going to grow up and be great men because they had a fantastic mom..:o)

8:58 AM  
Blogger Margaret said...

I will play the devil's advocate with this one. Give him a dollar amount for both, inflated 30% for your time, and mention Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. I'm sure you would get what you spent and more.

I know it's about being the bigger person, but with K's dad, I had to let him know the I knew some things, too, then he straightened up and starting doing with me asking, until DFAS kicked in!!!!

9:23 AM  
Blogger mrs.tj said...

I was thinking the same as margaret. You already know how much you are going to spend. Go ahead and give him a little higher figure TODAY and tell him you need it in your account by Friday. That way you can treat yourself on Saturday (er..I meant by more stuff for the kids) Hit it in the pocket.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Schatzi said...

I'm w/Margaret & Mrs TJ. We do things a little differently, but if you are doing all the shopping/time, inflate the final $$.. He DID stiff you in July.

Being the bigger person is really hard, but it truely shows what type of person you are!

9:48 AM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

OH YES GIRL inflate like a bitch!! It's only for your boys!

It's never easy being the bigger person but good for you for being able to. When it comes to our kids we will do ANYTHING!

10:50 AM  
Blogger Meka said...

So many people don't realize that. They use their kids as pawns or speak badly about the other parent in front of or to the children. It's just not right. I also know how hard it must be for you. The parent the child lives with catches the brunt of EVERYTHING from the child. Kids don't mean to do it but they don't know any better. So if mom says I can't get you a pair of new sneakers, then mom gets the attitude for it. It doesn't matter that the reason why mom can't get it, is because dad didn't send any child support. Much respect for being the bigger person. It will pay off in the long run. I also agree with the other ladies... massage the numbers girl and get yours, lol. Good post!

11:03 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

James and I have already decided that we will go half on his school clothes since he is EMPLOYED now!!! YEAH!!!! We will then get the half from dad and split it!!!!

I think I will A.D.J.U.S.T the numbers a bit....just cause.....It is the day to day shit that I pay for......the groceries.oh my GOD my boys eat....well hell so does there momma!!!

He could send a litttle grocery fund and I would be able to do something nice for myself!!! Ya know? a lil school money.....$5 a day for the oldest and $3 a day for the youngest.......shit that adds the hell up......

11:12 AM  
Blogger Msnhim said...

I don't know about you but I get some kind of perverse pleasure from being the bigger person...

Something about making them realized they had it good and don't any more gives me a little twinge or happiness.LOL

Good for you girl.. Oh and like the other ladies said. HIT THAT WALLET HARD!!!!!!!

1:59 PM  
Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

Wow... that's deep. Why do people never realize what they have untillllll... it packs up and breaks the fuck out?

2:12 PM  
Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

Oh... and keep being the bigger person. It gets easier after a while. =)

2:13 PM  
Blogger Aziza said...

Simply put, Dee, you're a good person. And don't let anyone change that about you.

2:19 PM  
Blogger SMW said...

The bigger person will admit they are wrong. The bigger person will humble themselves. The bigger person will reach out to try to mend a fight with a friend even when THEY didn't start the fight.

Most people aren't like that. So yes, you're right, it takes a lot to be the bigger person and for the most part you don't get anything but a clear concious in return.

Good post!

3:51 PM  
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Blogger princessdominique said...

That was *BIG* of you. It gets easier though. Trust me.

4:21 PM  
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Anonymous wrangler said...

You are soooooo right. My sons have learned what their mom is really like now that they're on their own. In fact, for the most part, they learned the truth on their own long before they left my home. They appreciate and love me even more now.

4:59 PM  
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5:24 PM  
Blogger Nikki said...

I applaud you for being the bigger person. And yeah, you better jack that total up a bit. Hell, he owes you that and more.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Cutie Cola said...

I know what you are going through. I left my son's father 4 years ago and after I left him, he stopped taking care of his son financially. I used to buy gifts at christmas and birthdays and put his name on half of them for my son to feel his 'dad' bought him gifts too. I used to dial him 3-way and hook him up to speak to his son and made it seem as if he is the one that called to speak to his son. I used to do a lot of things to protect my son's feelings, but I've stopped and my son is seeing him for what he really is. I've never said a bad thing about his father in front of him but he is figuring things out for himself. Keep being the bigger person, it's the right thing to do and your reward will be GREAT in the end!!

10:40 PM  
Blogger Hypothetically Speaking said...

I don't think being the bigger person ever gets easier where fathers are concerned. If it does - I'd like to know when.

You did good though. The idea with the money is not to "stiff" him - I have a hard time doing that but to get back what you DESERVE. So, YES, inflate it - if he's not helping any other time of the year - do what you have to.

6:16 AM  
Blogger button_nose said...

I can relate...My son's father is in The United States Navy. The last time we heard from him was last summer, when he decided to let our son come visit him for the whole summer....this didn't work out because of his insecure, and petty wife. The trip ended badly, hot heated words were exchanged and the only one hurt really badly was my son. Since then the fucker hasn't called or sent a penny towards his child care. I know how it is, how can you make a child and just turn your back, I don't think I will ever understand that.

Dee, keep ya head up do for your boys the best you can, and God will do the rest.

Smooches :)

11:20 AM  
Blogger Closet Owner said...

Be bigger... but its okay to tell someone how they may have caused you to feel in the past. Specially if it was really hurtful.

Sometimes a simple sorry does wonders.

Stay up!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

I really need to read this post today. It's definitely not easy to take the high road, but very necessary in order to move on. (That's me still trying to convince myself, not anyone else!)


6:29 AM  

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