Thursday, March 02, 2006

I'm just TIRED!!!!

Hey blog fam........

I appreciate all the support. all the kind words and comments from people I have never laid eyes on.......that is great.......I haven't cried in about 3 days....................that's good..........today I am filled with tears!!!!

In six days, my first born will turn 18. I had plans to take him and a few of his closest friends to dinner to celebrate. I can't because i don't have a job..........

I was able to pay my rent today and for this i am happy, grateful but after the check clears and I buy a few groceries, insurance and utilites, I will have no more money!!!

ex-husband knows of my situation and do you think he sent $5 extra dollars???????

I am embarassed to tell my family........only my mom and brother know!!!!! I'm tired of the "oh poor dee, the single mamma pity party"

I still feel guilty about boss lady getting fired also..........GUILT CONSUMES ME!!!!!

I am angry that I have to endure this alone..............

I don't want to be strong anymore!!!!!!!!!!! I have been strong since 17 when i left my moms house!!!!

I was strong when I became a young wife, then a young mom!!!!

I was strong when my youngest was born 3 months premature and spent the 1st 6 months of his life in the hospital.......

I was strong when all i wanted 2 do was visit the hospital and it almost ruined my marriage!!!!

I was strong when my ex-husband was out to sea and i was alone raising kids and the car broke down!!!!

I was strong when I took several buses to get to nursing school cause my ex was 2 dam proud 2 get a ride 2 the base when we only had one car!!!! And ALL of our neighbors were going to the base!!!!

I was strong when i found out my then husband fathered a child..........

I was strong when we seperated.........

I was strong through the divorce that he filed for in another state so that I could not get to court..............

I have been strong all my adult life....................

NOW I'M TIRED!!!!!! JUST TIRED!!!!!!!!!!

Not tired like I would commit suicide or anything.............just tired of being so dam strong............tired like I want help, not from my family cause that is a given...........Family is always here to help!!!! I would like help like someone here to say "Dee it's gonna be o.k" and kiss me ever so gentle................rub my back.........and tell me it's gonna be o.k.

29 Comments:

Blogger NegroPino™ said...

((((((hugs)))))))iM JUST keeping my faith. Every day is a TEST. Stay strong because your BOYS need you. JUst hang in there.....Usually not so good with this so sorry this is short. :)

9:45 AM  
Blogger Hali said...

Stay strong. I know it may be hard at times, but you have more than yourself to think about. Everything will be okay. "Dee, it's gonna be okay". Sorry I can't do the kissing and rubbing part. :0), but you will have that in due time. Hang in there. You are continuously in my prayers.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Honest said...

(((HUGS))) from D.C.

10:37 AM  
Blogger ddsprncs said...

I have this little card I keep in my car and it has Jesus on it sitting on a mountian, looking down and a city and it has a quote on it that says:

"I never said It would be easy I only said it would be worth it"

I just read that all the time and thought you might like it.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Msnhim said...

We all need a moment *pause* ok that was mine now you take your moment. Break down. curse like a sailor do whatever you have to get yourself right again... I have faith in you..... you'll be ok

10:49 AM  
Blogger Honey-Libra said...

well I'm sending hugs and positive vibes your way. Being tired is natural especially all that you've been strong through..this is something temporary..you've seen your track record..you meet things head on and drive right through them..this is just a detour...

11:58 AM  
Blogger Carmell said...

***HUGS***
girl i feel you , really i do. but guess what...you'll make it through this too because of that strength. whether you do it alone or with someone. its gonna be YOU that pulls you through along with the hand of God. let Him carry you for a while!

11:59 AM  
Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

I know you must get tired. But just as you're doing, remind yourself of all the great things you have accomplished, and the strength that you have had to get through all the challenges you've had in life before this. Keep your head up!

12:11 PM  
Blogger Miz JJ said...

I hear you. It's a tough always being strong, but never be afraid to ask for help. I'm hoping it all works out for you.

12:27 PM  
Blogger SmartBlkWoman said...

Dee it's gonna be ok. *hug through the computer screen*

The one thing that I have to tell you is to not be afraid to ask for help from those that you think my be able to give it to you. I know that right now this is the last thing you want to do but it's also the most necessary.

I've been in your situation before where it feels like everything is falling down around me. I just had to swallow my pride, let people that loved me know what was going on and they helped me even more than I thought they would.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

12:42 PM  
Blogger mrs.tj said...

Damn don't make me cry.
It hurts me to know you are hurt. And you know I love your like a sister...you were the 2nd person EVER to comment on my blog.

So I'm going to talk to you like you are my sister, whom you know is the love of my life.
You need to cry and get it out.
But you also need to stop and do what you go to do.
You are a SBW! Stong black woman.
We are going to have these problems, and solve them and more are going to come. We have to deal.

I know you are proud and you feel guilty and all of that but, how do I say this nicely??? GET OVER IT!

I wonder if we can get more money for that punk ass in Italy???

Unemployment? Food Stamps? I don't know but that free stuff is out there.

Did you have 401K?

Oh! I knew we should have flown to Italy and beat his ass!!!

You know sometimes n*gga's ain't shit!

Okay, what was I talking about...My mind has been wandering lately.

Have you applied to Temp services?

I'm sure baby boy will understand and take a rain check for his B-Day. When I was 18 I wanted to kick it with my friends anyways.

I love you Dee and if I had extra money I would send it. But you know I had to get Wells Fargo off my back. My ass been spending money like crazy.

But you know I'm a hustler, e-mail me and I can think of more ways to hustle up some money for ya!

This is some bull! I think I've moved from sad to angry for you.

I love you Dee and I'm hugging you and all of that, but Man Up! HA!
I hate when hubby tells me that.

e-mail me to cuss me out for being hard on ya. But you KNOW it is going to be okay! And if things don't change you KNOW I got 2 extra bedrooms here in Iowa that you can get for free! ;)
Holla!

1:10 PM  
Blogger That Girl Tam said...

Well...I don't have much to add because we've already spoken. Yes, you're tired...but you are STILL strong and you will be ok. The Universe does not punish people who are trying to do good...rewards come slowly, but they WILL COME...call me if you need to...

1:38 PM  
Blogger Courtney said...

Sorry to hear that things are so rough. I want to send prayers, but I also want to send cash! Is there anywhere we can send money?--courtney

2:36 PM  
Blogger DJ Diva said...

I'm praying for you...you'll be fine...stay up though...don't let the Devil keep you down too long!

5:02 PM  
Blogger TheOneandOnlyInsanely said...

We are too much alike.


Dee, its gonna be okay...I can't kiss your or rub your back, but I would if I was a man....*lol*

GIRL, I feel you on all those instances of being strong, I left home at 17 as well. GIRL STAY STRONG, and I know you're tired, I'm tired, but in the end it will all pay off. You're raising those sons well, and they WILL take care of their hardworking mama, you will be able to relax, SOON!!

Your sons are almost grown......

Look at it like this, you needed to be somewhere else, and being at that job wouldn't allow you to be where you are needed. This is a blessing in disguise. Look at your past, you have endured and when you look back, you see that there was a bigger picture, you just wasn't privy to, because it was effecting your livelyhood.

STAY STRONG SISTER!!!

I'm with Mrs. TJ, you son will understand, besides he proly wanted a Playstation game and time with his girlfriend, he ain't wanna kick it with you....I know I didn't at that age....*lol*

But yes, I hate when this person by the name of Puddy, tells me to MAN UP!!! But it worked, it stopped my crying and sobbing. I can actually thank him for his positivity, but I still hate him for leading me on......

But yes, MAN UP!!! You're used to this, THE STRUGGLE OF BEING A SINGLE BLACK FEMALE, we have to be man and woman......for all your struggles you will be compensated...as long as you never compromise yourself and your soul....


DEE YOU GONE BE OK!!!!

5:41 PM  
Blogger Melinda said...

I wish i had something really great to say....But I Don't. Just know I (and whole lotta other people) are praying for you and hopefully our prayers will vibe on over to Cali and pull you up when you feel like you have fallen.

5:54 PM  
Blogger African girl, American world said...

The song of every black woman

I'm tired
I've been strong

I am so glad that you're expressing yourself like this. And I know the kind of relationship you have with your boys so the birthday boy ain't worried :)

I loves ya and I'll check back with you sooner than later.

6:25 PM  
Blogger The Princess Herself said...

Damn! Girl I feel ya. I promise you that things will get better.
It sucks always having to be the strong one. But if not you..then who? Someone's gotta do it, baby girl.
Things will fall into place.
Keep your head up.
~HUGS~

7:12 PM  
Blogger Kayla said...

Hey, sweetie! I'm just now having time to visit. I'm sorry you're going through some things right now. It pains me to know you'r hurting. I know it may not seem like it now, but thing will get better, Dee. Just keep your head up and your FAITH, and you'll be fine! As long as you're doing what you need to do to change the situation, you can't do anymore. Pray about it, put it in God's hands and let it go, sugar. I'm not saying you have to stop feeling the way you do, but just trust in Him that he'll make a way.

7:35 PM  
Blogger "N" Search of Ecstasy said...

Girl I'm sending you some ((((hugs)))) to....You have nothing to be embarrassed about okay!!!!

Please stay strong. I have faith that you will find another job soon. You'll see and I can't wait to here all about it.

Take care, its gonna be alright!

8:37 PM  
Blogger MsDMarie said...

I haven't read your blog in awhile but just caught up. I'm truly sorry to hear you're having such difficult times. I can empathize with you when it comes to being a single mom with a non-supportive kids' dad. Sounds like you've already made it through some pretty tough times and you're still standing...I'm sure you'll pull through this one...stay strong and my thoughts are with you.

10:40 PM  
Blogger SunshineMama said...

Dee,
Do you have Erykah Badu 'Mommas Gun' CD? You need to put it in and listen to the one with the lyrics:
I need somebody to walk up behind meeeeee, and kiss meeee on my neck and breeeeathe....on my neck.

I'm sure if I got up to dig up the track number it would be more helpful. THen dance to it by yourself and play it loud.
As far as your boys, sometimes when we are broke it forces us to be creative. Maybe you could do something even more fun than going out by bringing the party to your house.
Know that you are not alone girl. Not only can I relate to being tired of being strong, but I too run am on my last dollars. I don't have a check coming for march and I'll be coming home with a new baby and having to find a new job after the birth!!!!! Imagine! And like you, BD knows but I'm not sure if I can depend on him to come through or not. I'm more inclined to lean toward not but, you know.
I'm not gonna say "Be strong" because sometimes the best therapy is to just collapse for a minute. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Sometimes after you've done that it's easier to move forward.
One thing I will say about these times is that they are often when we really see just how divine God and life really are because we are forced to truly "trust the process".
YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF! -That's an affirmation, not consolation.

2:14 AM  
Blogger mrs.tj said...

We luv you Deeeeeeeee!!!!!

4:20 AM  
Anonymous Nikki said...

I know you're tired, but be strong in the Lord. Let him hear your cry. Tell him what you want and he will provide for you and yours.

We all have had some bleak times, where we didn't know where our last cent was coming from, but just holding on to that faith made a way out of no way.

If you ever, and I mean ever need anything. Let me know and I'll see what I can do for you. I'm no man, so I ain't rubbin' your neck, but I'll be that good friend that you can call on in a time of need.

6:00 AM  
Blogger SMW said...

Yeah Dee....

I feel exactly the same way.

I want that same thing.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Lāā said...

((((hug))))
I know you are tired and frustrated but your strength is what got you through troubled times before. Stay strong and stay focused on the bigger picture. He never puts more on us than we can handle.

Everything happens for a reason.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Life is full of tests and so far it seems you have passed everyone of them with flying colors. The last thing I think you want to do is to lose this one. I believe in you girl and I know you will come through this. Dont give up its gonna be alright. He NEVER gives us more than we can handle - even if we think he doesnt know what he is doing.

BIG HUGS!!!!!

8:15 AM  
Blogger TheOneandOnlyInsanely said...

Whats the address DEE?
Hurry up before rush hour!!

9:38 AM  
Blogger P said...

I'm gonna say it. I might get a beating for it, but hey, I can hold my own.

Women are not designed to hold up that long, and for too long. We are creatures that have stood the test of time, but what else is there to do but hold on. . .

Being a single parent is not healthy. A woman needs to rest in the comfort and security of the arms of a man. We are just not designed to deal with all of this alone. It is not God's design.

That is not to say that we can't and don't before I get a lot of hate mail. My parents separated when I was ten. But I tell you what, my life, and my mother's would have been a whole lot differnt, even now, if we would have had that covering under us.

With that said, I understand your frustration. It's easy for us to say trust the Lord, and I know you do, but when the pressure is on. . .

All that I can say is that when you see yourself coming to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on!

11:50 AM  

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